Victims traditionally have the luxury of time when the undead rise from their graves in search of flesh parfait. Would-be targets can use their speed advantage to plan an escape route, or do the stupid thing and barricade themselves inside with strategically placed furniture and any 2’x4’s that happen to be lying about.
But that’s all about to change.
The local zombie guild will now travel from home to home much faster on a whisper-quiet magic carpet of largely impractical technology. The Segways are also a greener choice than the stretch Hummer limousine the zombies had considered.
“Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!” said zombie spokesman formerly known as Kent Withburn.
When asked about the cost and how the zombies came up with the money, let alone the idea, the ex-Mr. Withburn would only add, “Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!”
Local Segway salesman Roger McGillicuddy sealed the deal with the zombies.
“They crashed through my office door with blank looks on their faces and their mouths wide open. They smelled terrible. So naturally, I assumed they were mail carriers.”
Once he realized he was dealing with the living dead, ethics went out the window and capitalism took over.
“Sure, there’s a side of me that says maybe I shouldn’t sell Segways to zombies because it opens the door to the efficient mass-slaughter of my helpless town,” said McGillicuddy. “But I’ve only had three customers since I started doing this five years ago. I have mouths to feed. So do they.”
