Not content with forcing restaurants to print basic nutritional information like calorie counts on menus, a consumer watchdog group is now pushing for disturbing honesty the next time you have a meal.
“This isn’t about scaring people away,” says Otto Grisby, founder of Research to Protect the Public from Certain Doom. “This is about scaring people, and then building a tolerance in them with so much scariness so that they’re not scared. It worked with SARS, you know.”
Hal's Famous Chicken Strips. Breaded
and Fried to Perfection Before Being Dropped
on the Floor.
Among the ideas on the table: eateries would have to print “this is how we get you” in huge letters next to drinks and desserts. Charming stories profiling an establishment’s founder and their undying commitment to homemade taste would have to include the number of times the fry cook scratches his ass before putting food on your plate.
Also proposed is a plan to replace the phrase “no substitutions” with “Order what you want. We’re going to spit in it either way.”
Restaurateurs are worried about how the changes could affect their bottom lines, not to mention how they’ll need dramatically larger menus to fit all the extra words. In the case of the Cheesecake Factory, the menu could grow to the size of a desk set of reference books.
Grisby says it’s a small price to pay for a well-informed dining public.
“We’re just getting started. We haven’t even tackled secret sauce, yet.”
