Together, Paul and Mary Schuleman have royally fucked up many a Halloween. And they’re far from finished.
Assholes.“We’re simply trying to open people’s eyes to the fact that Halloween is Satan’s ploy to turn children to witchcraft before harvesting their souls,” says Mary.
“If we can help with tartar control, that’s just icing on the cake,” adds Paul. “Although I don’t eat cake. Or icing.”
For years, unsuspecting children have visited the Schulemans’ door holding their bags aloft for the thrill of discovering the latest reinvention of refined sugar. It’s not until they return home and sort their hauls that young candy seekers, and their equally candy seeking parents, realize some jackass has handed out dental floss and gospel tracts instead.
“It’s worse than handing out pennies,” says veteran Trick-or-Treater Billy Mercer. “Or raisins. Raisins are not candy. Pennies are not candy. Serously. Who DOES that?”
But Mary Schuleman isn’t in it for popularity.
“A lot of people think we should just leave our porch light off and keep our opinions to ourselves on Halloween. Those people don’t realize that wearing a Pokemon costume lasts just one night a year, but feeling the Dark Prince’s relentless fires of Hell lapping at your damned soul lasts an eternity. “
This year, the Schulemans hope to ramp up their ass-clowning with a “costume buyback” program. Modeled after law enforcement gun buybacks, the Schuleman’s will offer a free DVD of the wildly unpopular Left Behind movie to any child willing to surrender their costume.
And to drive the point home about eating too much candy?
“We’re going to hand out Necco wafers, too.”
