Morris T. Snippins, seen here in happier times
after licking his own nether regions.“Morris T. Snippins” hasn’t been accounted for since Thursday, when the balloon vaguely reminiscent of a foil-wrapped Chipotle burrito captivated the nation. Although all laws of physics should have immediately ruled out the possibility of a small, helium-filled balloon lifting Falcon Heene to incredible heights, his owners believe the much smaller but no less absurdly named "Morris T. Snippins" may have been the balloon’s unwitting passenger.
While otherwise useless, this balloon may have
been the utlimate chariot of Morris T. Snippins'
harrowing voyage beyond the River Styx.
“We can’t find him anywhere,” said Cheryl Reese, clutching a portrait of her missing dog ironically dressed in a leather aviator jacket with goggles. “My only explanation is he somehow climbed aboard the balloon, which somehow took flight and somehow didn’t sink under his weight.”
Reese says she has already ruled out runaway circus trains, wayward paddleboats, de-orbiting satellites and out-of-control monorails for her dog’s disappearance. She has also used her better judgment to dismiss the notion of little Morris T. Snippins vanishing after inadvertently clinging to the back of an escaped panda from the local zoo.
“He just had to be on that balloon. I’m sure of it.”
At press time, Nancy Grace, Greta Van Susteren, and Geraldo Rivera were all preparing to go live from Reese’s home for wall-to-wall “balloon dog” coverage. Police say they will investigate Reese’s theory as soon as they are finished answering questions about Falcon Heene, which should happen sometime around Easter of 2011.
