Lewis McClain Jr. massaged a generous amount of hand sanitizer into his skin after spotting a public dispenser at a nearby grocery store. Witnesses say they noticed an immediate change in McClain’s demeanor, as if he believed the hand sanitizer would instantly protect him from swine flu, whooping cough, AIDS, kidnappings, regicide, and even Mormons.
Note to self: useless against busses.
Instead, McClain has devastating injuries after ignoring cross-walk signals and darting into the path of a regional transit bus. Doctors say the hand sanitizer had no apparent cushioning effect on the bus’ immense force.
Fellow hand sanitizer fanatic Sarah Peabody used the same dispenser only minutes after McClain.
“I’m stunned,” said Peabody. “That could just as easily have been me. Maybe he just didn’t use enough hand sanitizer. I’d better stock up.”
Another hand sanitizer recipient says the accident is a troubling sign of the times.
“You hear about things like that happening to drunks, bums, and Democrats,” added Whitney Kralj. “You never imagine it could happen to someone who uses hand sanitizer. I guess being 99.9% germ free just isn’t good enough anymore.”
McClain may never walk again, but his family hopes to prove that diagnosis wrong with a steady regimen of even more hand sanitizer along with Head-On, Airborne, Vitamin Water, and Activia yogurt.
