They’re not inept. They’re simply protecting their virginity.
Looking to turn a vomit-inducing mark against the team into a positive, momentary Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Brady Quinn announced today that he and his teammates are saving their ability to score a touchdown for “the one.” The vow is modeled after chaste teenagers, many of whom are actually virgins because no one would hazard intercourse with them.
For the Browns, not scoring is now a matter of moral integrity.
“We’re not going to go out there and score a touchdown just because it’s what the media and society tell us we need to do,” says Quinn. “We’re not going to get drunk and do something we regret the rest of our lives. No one’s going to pressure us into this. Not even the Buffalo Bills.”
No Browns wide receiver has scored a touchdown since November 2, 2008. No Browns running back has visited the end zone since November 14, 2008. These are particularly important dates because it is now nearly 2010.
But Quinn and company say the time will come. Until then, the entire offensive squad is wearing promise rings as reminders to stay out of the end zone.
Browns head coach Eric Mangini has made it clear that scoring a field goal still qualifies his offensive starters as “technical virgins.”
