Cleveland Browns Are “Saving It”

They’re not inept. They’re simply protecting their virginity.

Looking to turn a vomit-inducing mark against the team into a positive, momentary Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Brady Quinn announced today that he and his teammates are saving their ability to score a touchdown for “the one.” The vow is modeled after chaste teenagers, many of whom are actually virgins because no one would hazard intercourse with them.

For the Browns, not scoring is now a matter of moral integrity.

“We’re not going to go out there and score a touchdown just because it’s what the media and society tell us we need to do,” says Quinn. “We’re not going to get drunk and do something we regret the rest of our lives. No one’s going to pressure us into this. Not even the Buffalo Bills.”

It almost hurts as much as blue balls.

No Browns wide receiver has scored a touchdown since November 2, 2008. No Browns running back has visited the end zone since November 14, 2008. These are particularly important dates because it is now nearly 2010.

But Quinn and company say the time will come. Until then, the entire offensive squad is wearing promise rings as reminders to stay out of the end zone.

Browns head coach Eric Mangini has made it clear that scoring a field goal still qualifies his offensive starters as “technical virgins.”

Robin Williams Officially Retires from Making Worthwhile Movies

Ending more than a decade of speculation, actor and sometimes comedian Robin Williams has officially announced his retirement from making good movies.


This movie also sucked.
After a shaky start on the big screen with Popeye, Williams hit his stride with a string of hits including Good Morning Vietnam, Dead Poets Society, and Mrs. Doubtfire. But Williams has more recently attached his name almost exclusively to piles of cinematic feces.

Future Williams projects include titles such as RV 2, Spy Camels, The Postman Only Farts Twice, Professor Plimpton’s Fabulous Underwear Tightening Machine, and, since every single vintage TV show is already spoken for, a movie version of the Ron Popeil “Set It and Forget It” Rotisserie Cooker infomercial.

Williams’ announcement could be a game of one-upmanship with fellow talent burnout Eddie Murphy. Murphy was said to be planning his own retirement having starred in nothing but the assiest of movies since making Coming to America. Hollywood gossip has it that Jim Carrey and John Travolta are also in line for calling it quits, but Williams beat them all to the punch.

Consequently, Old Dogs, starring both Williams and Travolta as two men who discover the true meaning of family with the help of a dog, opens in theatres November 25th.

Local Cashier Unimpressed with UPS “Whiteboard Guy”

His real name is Andy Azula. Not that Kroger cashier Amy Spokane could give a fuck.


Behold, the bastard step-child of Bill Cosby's
Picture Pages.Azula, the shoulder-length haired man famous for his whiteboard drawing prowess, recently stopped at a Kroger in Norwood to pick up a tube of Chap Stick, some Triscuits, Fanta soda, and, for grins, a package of dry-erase markers.

And that’s exactly where the trouble began.

“First he made a big deal about asking me where he could find the school supplies aisle,” recalls Spokane. “Like I’m supposed to rip off my panties and throw them at him since he’s a big celebrity.”

“Then he waited to come through my lane. He could have gone to lane 12 with no waiting. But no. He waited for me. Then he held the markers up in front of his face and said, ‘So, I noticed you don’t have any brown dry-erase markers'.”

“Hilarious, douche nozzle.”

Things didn’t get any better when Spokane asked Azula to sign his credit card receipt. Spokane says instead of simply scribbling his name, the whiteboard impresario whipped out a marker and proceeded to draw a cartoon in place of his signature.

“He just babbled on about shipping something to China, then rerouting it to London, then rerouting it back to Mexico. He kept erasing everything and re-drawing it. And let me tell you, that guy’s index finger is royally stained with brown marker. It looks like he stores his finger inside Babar’s ass.”

Azula offered his autograph, but Spokane was unmoved.

“We have stars in here all the time. Carrot Top came in here last week. Everyone stayed away from him, too. He smelled like hot dog water.”

Hand Sanitizer Fails to Protect Man from Oncoming Bus

A horrifying bus collision has left a Fort Thomas man in critical condition, despite the fact that he had applied hand sanitizer just minutes before the accident.

Lewis McClain Jr. massaged a generous amount of hand sanitizer into his skin after spotting a public dispenser at a nearby grocery store. Witnesses say they noticed an immediate change in McClain’s demeanor, as if he believed the hand sanitizer would instantly protect him from swine flu, whooping cough, AIDS, kidnappings, regicide, and even Mormons.


Note to self: useless against busses.
Instead, McClain has devastating injuries after ignoring cross-walk signals and darting into the path of a regional transit bus. Doctors say the hand sanitizer had no apparent cushioning effect on the bus’ immense force.

Fellow hand sanitizer fanatic Sarah Peabody used the same dispenser only minutes after McClain.

“I’m stunned,” said Peabody. “That could just as easily have been me. Maybe he just didn’t use enough hand sanitizer. I’d better stock up.”

Another hand sanitizer recipient says the accident is a troubling sign of the times.

“You hear about things like that happening to drunks, bums, and Democrats,” added Whitney Kralj. “You never imagine it could happen to someone who uses hand sanitizer. I guess being 99.9% germ free just isn’t good enough anymore.”

McClain may never walk again, but his family hopes to prove that diagnosis wrong with a steady regimen of even more hand sanitizer along with Head-On, Airborne, Vitamin Water, and Activia yogurt.

Let’s Roll: Local Zombies Get Fleet of Segways

You may want to beat the rush and board up your windows in advance. Area zombies will have both speed and style on their side this Halloween when they take to the streets aboard brand new Segways.

Victims traditionally have the luxury of time when the undead rise from their graves in search of flesh parfait. Would-be targets can use their speed advantage to plan an escape route, or do the stupid thing and barricade themselves inside with strategically placed furniture and any 2’x4’s that happen to be lying about.

But that’s all about to change.

The local zombie guild will now travel from home to home much faster on a whisper-quiet magic carpet of largely impractical technology. The Segways are also a greener choice than the stretch Hummer limousine the zombies had considered.

“Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!” said zombie spokesman formerly known as Kent Withburn.

When asked about the cost and how the zombies came up with the money, let alone the idea, the ex-Mr. Withburn would only add, “Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!”

Local Segway salesman Roger McGillicuddy sealed the deal with the zombies.

“They crashed through my office door with blank looks on their faces and their mouths wide open. They smelled terrible. So naturally, I assumed they were mail carriers.”

Once he realized he was dealing with the living dead, ethics went out the window and capitalism took over.

“Sure, there’s a side of me that says maybe I shouldn’t sell Segways to zombies because it opens the door to the efficient mass-slaughter of my helpless town,” said McGillicuddy. “But I’ve only had three customers since I started doing this five years ago. I have mouths to feed. So do they.”

Investigation Finds Rampant Inaccuracies in Cafeteria’s “Haunted Lunch” Offerings

Scandal is hitting Cincinnati’s public schools after a state investigation found untruth after untruth printed on lunch calendars.

Bottom line: your child’s Halloween chicken patty sandwich may come from an unspeakably filthy food processing plant, but it’s not necessarily haunted.

The items promoted for Friday’s lunches across the tri-state comprise an all-star cast of pants-shittingly scary dishes. Students have been forewarned of “monster mashed potatoes,” “Count Draculasagna,” “headless horse-radish sauce,” “Salisbury Satan,” “the cauliflower of Cthulu,” and, perhaps least imaginatively, “boo peas.”


Above: A "Grim Reaper's Roast Beef Sandwich."
Tests concluded it's actually an ordinary roast
beef sandwich. Labwork on the "Underworld
Pickle Spear" proved inconclusive.
“All lies,” assures state food inspector Carl Finch. “We’re not sure what these cafeterias are trying to pull, but any time we get a tip about possible paranormal connections to our children’s lunches, we have to take action.”

Finch wouldn’t comment on who called in the tip, but his office also wasted precious laboratory resources last Valentine’s Day ruling out claims of aphrodisiac qualities in “Cupid’s Fruit Cup.” Weeks later, Finch had to check into possible good luck charms supposedly found in one school’s “Blarney Stew” and “Leprecharn dogs” for St. Patrick’s Day.

“Let me be clear,” says Finch. “Ghoulishly grilled cheese is simply grilled cheese. Terror tots are actually plain old tater tots. And poltergeist pizza is, frankly, neither haunted by poltergeists, nor even pizza by even the most lenient scientific standards.”

Still, Finch says there’s a hint of truth to some of the advertising.
“They’re not kidding when they say ‘mummified mac and cheese.’ I wouldn’t go near it.”

Missing Dog May Have Been Aboard Runaway Balloon

A suburban Denver family is asking investigators to retrace a runaway balloon’s flight path, couching hopes on the insanely remote chance their missing dog was on board.


Morris T. Snippins, seen here in happier times
after licking his own nether regions.“Morris T. Snippins” hasn’t been accounted for since Thursday, when the balloon vaguely reminiscent of a foil-wrapped Chipotle burrito captivated the nation. Although all laws of physics should have immediately ruled out the possibility of a small, helium-filled balloon lifting Falcon Heene to incredible heights, his owners believe the much smaller but no less absurdly named "Morris T. Snippins" may have been the balloon’s unwitting passenger.


While otherwise useless, this balloon may have
been the utlimate chariot of Morris T. Snippins'
harrowing voyage beyond the River Styx.
“We can’t find him anywhere,” said Cheryl Reese, clutching a portrait of her missing dog ironically dressed in a leather aviator jacket with goggles. “My only explanation is he somehow climbed aboard the balloon, which somehow took flight and somehow didn’t sink under his weight.”

Reese says she has already ruled out runaway circus trains, wayward paddleboats, de-orbiting satellites and out-of-control monorails for her dog’s disappearance. She has also used her better judgment to dismiss the notion of little Morris T. Snippins vanishing after inadvertently clinging to the back of an escaped panda from the local zoo.

“He just had to be on that balloon. I’m sure of it.”

At press time, Nancy Grace, Greta Van Susteren, and Geraldo Rivera were all preparing to go live from Reese’s home for wall-to-wall “balloon dog” coverage. Police say they will investigate Reese’s theory as soon as they are finished answering questions about Falcon Heene, which should happen sometime around Easter of 2011.