The United Nations is taking bold steps against Heidi Montag, charging the uber-ditz star of The Hills with crimes against humanity.
The charges stem from Montag’s sensationally awful debut album Superficial. Indeed, Montag left scores of people jamming pencils into their ears and poking out their own eyes when she appeared as a “musical” guest on the Miss Universe pageant last August. Montag has now proceeded to unleash 12 more songs onto the world, apparently because there were no kittens available for her to drown to prove her cold-blooded mercilessness. If there is any bright spot, it's that Montag's album has had miserable sales even though she touted it as equal to Michael Jackson's Thriller.
“This Heidi Montag must answer for her misdeeds,” declared U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. “These songs are clearly the work of a madman. I know that she is supposed to be a woman, but with so much plastic surgery, we can’t even be sure of that anymore.”
Among the highlights of Montag’s musical efforts, the lead single features the rapping talents of her husband and fellow super-villain Spencer Pratt.
“Honestly, the rapping is bad enough,” says Secretary-General Ban. “But the album contains unhealthy levels of auto-tune, repetitive and unoriginal dance beats, and lobotomizing faux streetwise lyrics.”
“It’s probably the musical equivalent of Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge. Heidi Montag must answer for this before the International Court of Justice at The Hague.”
Montag was asked for comment, but her publicist cut her off when she began talking about The Hague under the mistaken belief that it’s an exclusive place to shop for purses.
