Winter Vacation

Thanks for stopping by! Now that I'm back in my home state, I'm going to spend the holidays bothering the Hell out of my family instead of writing blog posts. We'll be back up to full speed the first week of the new year. In the meantime, why don't you check out thecincinnatiman.com where I've started writing? Here's my first post. See you in 2010! -Ed

Doctors Warn of Wassailing Dangers

Dare to spend this night wassailing? It may very well be your last, say experts.


These people are as good as dead.
Merry Christmas!A new study links the time-honored practice of visiting homes and serenading its occupants with Christmas carols to an extraordinarily high risk of sudden death.

“We’re not exactly sure how to explain this,” admits study author Dr. Frank Blufftomay. “We don’t see the same link with run-of-the mill carolers; only those who go a-wassailing.”

Dr. Blufftomay speculates a diet rich in figgy pudding, common amongst wassailers who demand the treat in song, could be the source of blame. He says he’ll need more tests to rule out other possible causes including prolonged exposure to the holly and the ivy when they are both full grown and increasingly prevalent Yule log allergies.

“If we can zero in on the cause, it could be the biggest medical breakthrough since we broke the genetic code for lords a-leaping.”

Boy Gets Rejection Letter from Santa Claus

Kenny Peppers carefully laid out his objective and his background. He listed outstanding references. He checked and rechecked his spelling. He tweaked the formatting and used fancy paper.

And like so many job seekers, the 8-year-old Kenwood boy got a soulless rejection letter. From the North Pole. In regards to his letter to Santa.

“It’s such a crock,” says Peppers. “I was perfect for those toys. I don’t think Santa even read my letter.”

Santa’s response to Peppers doesn’t even mention the boy’s name and instead opens by addressing him as “Dear toy seeker.”

It continues with: “though your qualifications and wish list are impressive, we were fortunate to have interest from many outstanding candidates who we believe are better suited for the position of receiving toys this year. We will keep your letter to Santa on file in the event a position that fits your skill set should become available. We wish you the best with your future toy requesting endeavors.“

It’s the second major economic wakeup call for Peppers this year. After failing to persuade his lemonade stand co-workers to take furloughs, he was turned down for government bailout money under the TARP program. Just like that, the lemonade stand he once claimed was “too big to fail” had to shut down.

Peppers isn’t sure about his next steps with the holidays coming fast.

“Going back to school isn’t really an option. I’m eight. Maybe I’ll try Judaism. They could probably use the membership boost.”

Heat Miser Calls Climate Change Theories "Bullshit"

You can add  Heat Miser to the list of climate change theory critics. In fact, not doing so could result in the stop-motion incineration of your vital organs.

“Look--I’m Mr. Heat Miser. I’m Mr. Sun. I’m Mr. Green Christmas. I’m Mr. one-hundred-and-one. Not this global warming horseshit.”


Heat Miser. But you can call him "One BAMF."Heat Miser says he’s fed up with the way scientists attribute melting glaciers and snow caps to the greenhouse effect. He says it’s time to give credit where credit is due, although he uses less diplomatic language.

“You can take your carbon dioxide and shove it down your throat. Then when you shit, you’ll be shitting carbon dioxide. Then you can eat that shit and the cycle begins anew. Fucking carbon dioxide, my ass,” adds Mr. Miser.

Heat Miser’s outburst could give the faction of climate change skeptics the celebrity face it so desperately needs. Former Vice President Al Gore won a Nobel Prize and renewed fame for his efforts to raise awareness of global warming. Heat Miser is confident he can top Gore’s success.

“Have you ever seen Al Gore lead a ragtime romp inside a volcano? I didn’t think so. The guy’s a pussy.”

EA Sports Announces Tiger Woods Driving Game

Looking to cash in on the endless interest in his epic 50 car pile-up, EA Sports announced today it is developing a new Tiger Woods driving simulator for the Nintendo Wii.

Most details on the game are still under wraps, but EA says players will commandeer their very own virtual SUV and be tasked with avoiding such road hazards as landscaping and golf club wielding wives. The limited size of Tiger Woods’ driveway would otherwise hinder the length of the main storyline, so EA plans to add a series of zany mini-games to flesh out the fun.

In one such mini-game, players will use the motion sensors of the Wii remote to pen a half-assed news release about their mishap. They can also take on the role of Tiger’s insanely hot wife and smash out not one, but two windows of the SUV for no reason other than to rescue her husband leaving home in the middle of the night on Thanksgiving.

Obviously, the next challenge for EA will be releasing the game before the next overblown media sensation captivates the nation’s attention. EA says it is already halfway finished with the game, building on its cancelled Lindsay Lohan Kart Racing project.

Cleveland Browns Are “Saving It”

They’re not inept. They’re simply protecting their virginity.

Looking to turn a vomit-inducing mark against the team into a positive, momentary Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Brady Quinn announced today that he and his teammates are saving their ability to score a touchdown for “the one.” The vow is modeled after chaste teenagers, many of whom are actually virgins because no one would hazard intercourse with them.

For the Browns, not scoring is now a matter of moral integrity.

“We’re not going to go out there and score a touchdown just because it’s what the media and society tell us we need to do,” says Quinn. “We’re not going to get drunk and do something we regret the rest of our lives. No one’s going to pressure us into this. Not even the Buffalo Bills.”

It almost hurts as much as blue balls.

No Browns wide receiver has scored a touchdown since November 2, 2008. No Browns running back has visited the end zone since November 14, 2008. These are particularly important dates because it is now nearly 2010.

But Quinn and company say the time will come. Until then, the entire offensive squad is wearing promise rings as reminders to stay out of the end zone.

Browns head coach Eric Mangini has made it clear that scoring a field goal still qualifies his offensive starters as “technical virgins.”

Robin Williams Officially Retires from Making Worthwhile Movies

Ending more than a decade of speculation, actor and sometimes comedian Robin Williams has officially announced his retirement from making good movies.


This movie also sucked.
After a shaky start on the big screen with Popeye, Williams hit his stride with a string of hits including Good Morning Vietnam, Dead Poets Society, and Mrs. Doubtfire. But Williams has more recently attached his name almost exclusively to piles of cinematic feces.

Future Williams projects include titles such as RV 2, Spy Camels, The Postman Only Farts Twice, Professor Plimpton’s Fabulous Underwear Tightening Machine, and, since every single vintage TV show is already spoken for, a movie version of the Ron Popeil “Set It and Forget It” Rotisserie Cooker infomercial.

Williams’ announcement could be a game of one-upmanship with fellow talent burnout Eddie Murphy. Murphy was said to be planning his own retirement having starred in nothing but the assiest of movies since making Coming to America. Hollywood gossip has it that Jim Carrey and John Travolta are also in line for calling it quits, but Williams beat them all to the punch.

Consequently, Old Dogs, starring both Williams and Travolta as two men who discover the true meaning of family with the help of a dog, opens in theatres November 25th.