Let’s Roll: Local Zombies Get Fleet of Segways

You may want to beat the rush and board up your windows in advance. Area zombies will have both speed and style on their side this Halloween when they take to the streets aboard brand new Segways.

Victims traditionally have the luxury of time when the undead rise from their graves in search of flesh parfait. Would-be targets can use their speed advantage to plan an escape route, or do the stupid thing and barricade themselves inside with strategically placed furniture and any 2’x4’s that happen to be lying about.

But that’s all about to change.

The local zombie guild will now travel from home to home much faster on a whisper-quiet magic carpet of largely impractical technology. The Segways are also a greener choice than the stretch Hummer limousine the zombies had considered.

“Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!” said zombie spokesman formerly known as Kent Withburn.

When asked about the cost and how the zombies came up with the money, let alone the idea, the ex-Mr. Withburn would only add, “Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!”

Local Segway salesman Roger McGillicuddy sealed the deal with the zombies.

“They crashed through my office door with blank looks on their faces and their mouths wide open. They smelled terrible. So naturally, I assumed they were mail carriers.”

Once he realized he was dealing with the living dead, ethics went out the window and capitalism took over.

“Sure, there’s a side of me that says maybe I shouldn’t sell Segways to zombies because it opens the door to the efficient mass-slaughter of my helpless town,” said McGillicuddy. “But I’ve only had three customers since I started doing this five years ago. I have mouths to feed. So do they.”

Investigation Finds Rampant Inaccuracies in Cafeteria’s “Haunted Lunch” Offerings

Scandal is hitting Cincinnati’s public schools after a state investigation found untruth after untruth printed on lunch calendars.

Bottom line: your child’s Halloween chicken patty sandwich may come from an unspeakably filthy food processing plant, but it’s not necessarily haunted.

The items promoted for Friday’s lunches across the tri-state comprise an all-star cast of pants-shittingly scary dishes. Students have been forewarned of “monster mashed potatoes,” “Count Draculasagna,” “headless horse-radish sauce,” “Salisbury Satan,” “the cauliflower of Cthulu,” and, perhaps least imaginatively, “boo peas.”


Above: A "Grim Reaper's Roast Beef Sandwich."
Tests concluded it's actually an ordinary roast
beef sandwich. Labwork on the "Underworld
Pickle Spear" proved inconclusive.
“All lies,” assures state food inspector Carl Finch. “We’re not sure what these cafeterias are trying to pull, but any time we get a tip about possible paranormal connections to our children’s lunches, we have to take action.”

Finch wouldn’t comment on who called in the tip, but his office also wasted precious laboratory resources last Valentine’s Day ruling out claims of aphrodisiac qualities in “Cupid’s Fruit Cup.” Weeks later, Finch had to check into possible good luck charms supposedly found in one school’s “Blarney Stew” and “Leprecharn dogs” for St. Patrick’s Day.

“Let me be clear,” says Finch. “Ghoulishly grilled cheese is simply grilled cheese. Terror tots are actually plain old tater tots. And poltergeist pizza is, frankly, neither haunted by poltergeists, nor even pizza by even the most lenient scientific standards.”

Still, Finch says there’s a hint of truth to some of the advertising.
“They’re not kidding when they say ‘mummified mac and cheese.’ I wouldn’t go near it.”

Missing Dog May Have Been Aboard Runaway Balloon

A suburban Denver family is asking investigators to retrace a runaway balloon’s flight path, couching hopes on the insanely remote chance their missing dog was on board.


Morris T. Snippins, seen here in happier times
after licking his own nether regions.“Morris T. Snippins” hasn’t been accounted for since Thursday, when the balloon vaguely reminiscent of a foil-wrapped Chipotle burrito captivated the nation. Although all laws of physics should have immediately ruled out the possibility of a small, helium-filled balloon lifting Falcon Heene to incredible heights, his owners believe the much smaller but no less absurdly named "Morris T. Snippins" may have been the balloon’s unwitting passenger.


While otherwise useless, this balloon may have
been the utlimate chariot of Morris T. Snippins'
harrowing voyage beyond the River Styx.
“We can’t find him anywhere,” said Cheryl Reese, clutching a portrait of her missing dog ironically dressed in a leather aviator jacket with goggles. “My only explanation is he somehow climbed aboard the balloon, which somehow took flight and somehow didn’t sink under his weight.”

Reese says she has already ruled out runaway circus trains, wayward paddleboats, de-orbiting satellites and out-of-control monorails for her dog’s disappearance. She has also used her better judgment to dismiss the notion of little Morris T. Snippins vanishing after inadvertently clinging to the back of an escaped panda from the local zoo.

“He just had to be on that balloon. I’m sure of it.”

At press time, Nancy Grace, Greta Van Susteren, and Geraldo Rivera were all preparing to go live from Reese’s home for wall-to-wall “balloon dog” coverage. Police say they will investigate Reese’s theory as soon as they are finished answering questions about Falcon Heene, which should happen sometime around Easter of 2011.

Couple Reaches for New Heights of A-Holery This Halloween

He is an experienced dentist. She is a fire branding Evangelical.

Together, Paul and Mary Schuleman have royally fucked up many a Halloween. And they’re far from finished.


Assholes.“We’re simply trying to open people’s eyes to the fact that Halloween is Satan’s ploy to turn children to witchcraft before harvesting their souls,” says Mary.

“If we can help with tartar control, that’s just icing on the cake,” adds Paul. “Although I don’t eat cake. Or icing.”

For years, unsuspecting children have visited the Schulemans’ door holding their bags aloft for the thrill of discovering the latest reinvention of refined sugar. It’s not until they return home and sort their hauls that young candy seekers, and their equally candy seeking parents, realize some jackass has handed out dental floss and gospel tracts instead.

“It’s worse than handing out pennies,” says veteran Trick-or-Treater Billy Mercer. “Or raisins. Raisins are not candy. Pennies are not candy. Serously. Who DOES that?”

But Mary Schuleman isn’t in it for popularity.

“A lot of people think we should just leave our porch light off and keep our opinions to ourselves on Halloween. Those people don’t realize that wearing a Pokemon costume lasts just one night a year, but feeling the Dark Prince’s relentless fires of Hell lapping at your damned soul lasts an eternity. “

This year, the Schulemans hope to ramp up their ass-clowning with a “costume buyback” program. Modeled after law enforcement gun buybacks, the Schuleman’s will offer a free DVD of the wildly unpopular Left Behind movie to any child willing to surrender their costume.

And to drive the point home about eating too much candy?

“We’re going to hand out Necco wafers, too.”

Further reading:  Click here to learn how visiting a haunted house will end with your death and a trip to the Lake of Fire.

Monster Madness: Monsters Fume Over Claimed Media Bias

With Halloween right around the corner, a delegation of monsters held a news conference today demanding a fair shake from the media.

“Enough is enough,” said Frankenstein’s monster, who is serving as their spokesman.

“All we want is an even playing field. Santa Claus breaks into every house in the world once a year. The Easter Bunny is responsible for rampant tooth decay and child obesity. No one gets bent out of shape about them.”

“And yes, I can speak. I don’t just groan like a blathering green idiot.”

From perceived inaccuracies to claims of all out slander, the monsters say their reputations are ruined. The Creature from the Black Lagoon couldn’t contain his emotions as Frankenstein’s monster read a prepared statement.


Behind his murderous stare lies an inescapable
prison cell of the mind.
"Look, I’ve made mistakes in the past,” interrupted Mr. Lagoon. “I’m not perfect. But when I hear news anchors use the word ‘monster’ to describe terrorists, psychopaths, and rapists, that’s just not fair.”

The timing of the monster delegation’s news conference is no coincidence. The month of October is bustling with haunted houses, haunted trails, haunted hayrides, and other activities which may or may not be haunted. The monsters say they used to look forward all year to the Halloween limelight, but not anymore.


Leatherface, calm voice of
reason.“It gets old seeing the same mistakes every year,” added Leatherface. “I checked out a so-called ‘haunted cavern’ last year and found their imitation of me wielding a Ryobi brand chainsaw. Chop people up, make masks out of their skin and cook their bodies in chili? Yes. Put hard-working Americans out of work by using a Japanese brand chainsaw? Not in a million years.”

Frankenstein’s monster says his group members aren't hiding from what they are, but simply trying to set the record straight.

“We’re monsters. This is what we do. But we’re not to blame for all of the world’s ills. We’re not friggin’ lawyers, people.”

Eat At Joe's. If You Dare.

Coming soon to a menu near you:  “Our burritos are 97% pube free.”

Not content with forcing restaurants to print basic nutritional information like calorie counts on menus, a consumer watchdog group is now pushing for disturbing honesty the next time you have a meal.

“This isn’t about scaring people away,” says Otto Grisby, founder of Research to Protect the Public from Certain Doom.  “This is about scaring people, and then building a tolerance in them with so much scariness so that they’re not scared.   It worked with SARS, you know.”

Hal's Famous Chicken Strips. Breaded
and Fried to Perfection Before Being Dropped
on the Floor.

Among the ideas on the table:  eateries would have to print “this is how we get you” in huge letters next to drinks and desserts.   Charming stories profiling an establishment’s founder and their undying commitment to homemade taste would have to include the number of times the fry cook scratches his ass before putting food on your plate.

Also proposed is a plan to replace the phrase “no substitutions” with “Order what you want.  We’re going to spit in it either way.”

Restaurateurs are worried about how the changes could affect their bottom lines, not to mention how they’ll need dramatically larger menus to fit all the extra words.  In the case of the Cheesecake Factory, the menu could grow to the size of a desk set of reference books.

Grisby says it’s a small price to pay for a well-informed dining public.

“We’re just getting started.  We haven’t even tackled secret sauce, yet.”

Man Would “Totally Do” New Neighbor

Rick Schneider has made his intentions perfectly clear. If given the opportunity, the Hamilton man would “totally do” his new neighbor.

Schneider describes the woman, a 34-year old mother of two, as “a grade-A MILF with an ass like a stack of cinnamon waffles.” Schneider offered the unusual comparison in front of a drunken gathering of friends after a competitive round of flatulent brinkmanship.  He went on to describe in lurid detail his ideas of a "welcome wagon" gift for the woman, all of which involved coitus and many of which involved midgets in clown costumes.

It is not the first time Schneider has hypothesized familiar relations with an otherwise disinterested woman who has never spoken to him. Schneider is known for frequently conducting informal inter-office polls to determine which coworker is “the hottest” or “the least hot.” Although he has not formally organized his data, the poll answers have remained unchanged in the 40 times he has posed the question since last month.

A friend of Schneider’s quickly echoed his carnal intentions with the woman. However, the gathering tabled a vote on the woman’s “fuckability” in favor of discussing the latest in mixed martial arts pay-per-view entertainment.

The issue may come up again next week when Schneider once again attempts to rank the “top five women who are so fucking hot but don’t act all stuck up about it.”

Iran Threatens to Unfriend President Obama

Tensions over Iran’s nuclear ambitions broiled to new levels Wednesday as Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threatened to “unfriend” President Barack Obama on Facebook.



Machmoud Ahmadinejad, in a photo from
his Facebook gallery entitled "Cool Places
I've Been Wearing This Stupid Jacket"
The move could undo much of the progress the Obama administration has made with Iran in recent months. The two sides recently met in Switzerland for face to face talks, and both Mr. Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have forged powerful alliances with Ahmadinejad on such Facebook diversions as Farmville and Mafia Wars. Nuclear cessation talks appeared to be headed for a breakthrough when the President responded to a “super poke” by Ahmadinejad with a “Chug It” request. In fact, Mr. Obama drew criticism from hardline Israeli conservatives upon completing the Iranian president’s Likeness quiz in April.

It’s not clear what may have soured their Facebook relationship, but it would be the latest in a series of twists in a tempestuous game of social media diplomacy.

The international community famously chastised President Bush for his refusal to add Ahmadinejad as a friend despite repeated requests. President Obama won praise from France when he reversed this course, but drew fire from Russia after ignoring Ahmadinejad’s pleas to be among his “Top Friends.”

The White House refused comment on this story, posting only “TTYL” on its Twitter page. Ahmadinejad has coyly updated his status as “might be making intercontinental nuclear missiles, might not be.”