U.N. Blasts Heidi Montag Album as “Crime Against Humanity”

"This is how many major cities I will destroy
with my doomsday device of an album!"

The United Nations is taking bold steps against Heidi Montag, charging the uber-ditz star of The Hills with crimes against humanity.

The charges stem from Montag’s sensationally awful debut album Superficial. Indeed, Montag left scores of people jamming pencils into their ears and poking out their own eyes when she appeared as a “musical” guest on the Miss Universe pageant last August. Montag has now proceeded to unleash 12 more songs onto the world, apparently because there were no kittens available for her to drown to prove her cold-blooded mercilessness. If there is any bright spot, it's that Montag's album has had miserable sales even though she touted it as equal to Michael Jackson's Thriller.

“This Heidi Montag must answer for her misdeeds,” declared U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. “These songs are clearly the work of a madman. I know that she is supposed to be a woman, but with so much plastic surgery, we can’t even be sure of that anymore.”

Among the highlights of Montag’s musical efforts, the lead single features the rapping talents of her husband and fellow super-villain Spencer Pratt.

“Honestly, the rapping is bad enough,” says Secretary-General Ban. “But the album contains unhealthy levels of auto-tune, repetitive and unoriginal dance beats, and lobotomizing faux streetwise lyrics.”

“It’s probably the musical equivalent of Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge. Heidi Montag must answer for this before the International Court of Justice at The Hague.”

Montag was asked for comment, but her publicist cut her off when she began talking about The Hague under the mistaken belief that it’s an exclusive place to shop for purses.

Airlines Raise Fees to Cover Cost of Losing Your Bags

The trend started with Delta and Continental, and now other airlines are following suit: upping baggage fees to cover the rising cost of misplacing and manhandling your belongings.

“It’s a simple matter of supply and demand,” says Delta spokesman Skip Fryer. “If people continue to rely on us to rip their luggage to shreds and reroute it to the far corners of the earth, then they’re going to have to pay for that kind of luxury.”
 

Someone has to pay for this unholy mess. Oh, it's YOU!Most airlines began exploiting baggage fees years ago to help break even. What followed was a wave of other money-making ventures, from charging for pillows and soda to East German-style restrictions on using frequent flier miles. United Airlines is rumored to be exploring even more options, including a surcharge for not having to endure the buttocks of fellow passengers pressing against your face as they brush past you to reach their seats.

For its part, Delta says it’s not looking to ding passengers for more cash, but merely keep up with its own costs.

“We literally have a team of thousands of baggage handlers dedicated to making sure your luggage ends up on the wrong flight, and even sometimes the wrong airline,” says Fryer.

“We have to pay those salaries. We have to buy that gas for the luggage carts so that we can drive your bags to the other end of the airport and throw them on, say, a flight to Abu Dhabi. Passengers demand that service. And if we’re not dedicated to customer service, why are we in business?”

Fox News Anchor to bin Laden: Follow Tiger to Jesus

Fox News Anchor Brit Hume is urging another scandal-plagued public figure to “turn to the Christian faith;” none other than Osama bin Laden.

 

Fox News Anchor Brit Hume.Appearing this evening on the Fox News Channel, Hume boldly predicted that the world’s most wanted terrorist could find forgiveness, “make a total recovery and be a great example to the world” by converting to Christianity.

 

“The Osama bin Laden that emerges, once the news value of masterminding 9/11 dies down, seems to me depends on his faith,” opined Hume.  “He’s said to be a Muslim.  I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith.”

 

Hume had hoped to continue on his tangent, but was interrupted by a Fox Breaking News Alert about a Kalispell, Montana dog that received a jury summons.

 

The seemingly out-of-place remark comes only days after Hume famously urged Tiger Woods to convert from Buddhism as a way of emerging from the shame of banging a 49-year old woman and pancake house waitress, among many others. 

 

Hume apparently believes Woods would find comfort and fellowship amongst other faith-based adulterers including Bob Allen, Mark Sanford, David Vitter, Ted Haggard, Bob Livingston, Jim Bakker, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson.