Winter Vacation

Thanks for stopping by! Now that I'm back in my home state, I'm going to spend the holidays bothering the Hell out of my family instead of writing blog posts. We'll be back up to full speed the first week of the new year. In the meantime, why don't you check out thecincinnatiman.com where I've started writing? Here's my first post. See you in 2010! -Ed

Doctors Warn of Wassailing Dangers

Dare to spend this night wassailing? It may very well be your last, say experts.


These people are as good as dead.
Merry Christmas!A new study links the time-honored practice of visiting homes and serenading its occupants with Christmas carols to an extraordinarily high risk of sudden death.

“We’re not exactly sure how to explain this,” admits study author Dr. Frank Blufftomay. “We don’t see the same link with run-of-the mill carolers; only those who go a-wassailing.”

Dr. Blufftomay speculates a diet rich in figgy pudding, common amongst wassailers who demand the treat in song, could be the source of blame. He says he’ll need more tests to rule out other possible causes including prolonged exposure to the holly and the ivy when they are both full grown and increasingly prevalent Yule log allergies.

“If we can zero in on the cause, it could be the biggest medical breakthrough since we broke the genetic code for lords a-leaping.”

Boy Gets Rejection Letter from Santa Claus

Kenny Peppers carefully laid out his objective and his background. He listed outstanding references. He checked and rechecked his spelling. He tweaked the formatting and used fancy paper.

And like so many job seekers, the 8-year-old Kenwood boy got a soulless rejection letter. From the North Pole. In regards to his letter to Santa.

“It’s such a crock,” says Peppers. “I was perfect for those toys. I don’t think Santa even read my letter.”

Santa’s response to Peppers doesn’t even mention the boy’s name and instead opens by addressing him as “Dear toy seeker.”

It continues with: “though your qualifications and wish list are impressive, we were fortunate to have interest from many outstanding candidates who we believe are better suited for the position of receiving toys this year. We will keep your letter to Santa on file in the event a position that fits your skill set should become available. We wish you the best with your future toy requesting endeavors.“

It’s the second major economic wakeup call for Peppers this year. After failing to persuade his lemonade stand co-workers to take furloughs, he was turned down for government bailout money under the TARP program. Just like that, the lemonade stand he once claimed was “too big to fail” had to shut down.

Peppers isn’t sure about his next steps with the holidays coming fast.

“Going back to school isn’t really an option. I’m eight. Maybe I’ll try Judaism. They could probably use the membership boost.”

Heat Miser Calls Climate Change Theories "Bullshit"

You can add  Heat Miser to the list of climate change theory critics. In fact, not doing so could result in the stop-motion incineration of your vital organs.

“Look--I’m Mr. Heat Miser. I’m Mr. Sun. I’m Mr. Green Christmas. I’m Mr. one-hundred-and-one. Not this global warming horseshit.”


Heat Miser. But you can call him "One BAMF."Heat Miser says he’s fed up with the way scientists attribute melting glaciers and snow caps to the greenhouse effect. He says it’s time to give credit where credit is due, although he uses less diplomatic language.

“You can take your carbon dioxide and shove it down your throat. Then when you shit, you’ll be shitting carbon dioxide. Then you can eat that shit and the cycle begins anew. Fucking carbon dioxide, my ass,” adds Mr. Miser.

Heat Miser’s outburst could give the faction of climate change skeptics the celebrity face it so desperately needs. Former Vice President Al Gore won a Nobel Prize and renewed fame for his efforts to raise awareness of global warming. Heat Miser is confident he can top Gore’s success.

“Have you ever seen Al Gore lead a ragtime romp inside a volcano? I didn’t think so. The guy’s a pussy.”

EA Sports Announces Tiger Woods Driving Game

Looking to cash in on the endless interest in his epic 50 car pile-up, EA Sports announced today it is developing a new Tiger Woods driving simulator for the Nintendo Wii.

Most details on the game are still under wraps, but EA says players will commandeer their very own virtual SUV and be tasked with avoiding such road hazards as landscaping and golf club wielding wives. The limited size of Tiger Woods’ driveway would otherwise hinder the length of the main storyline, so EA plans to add a series of zany mini-games to flesh out the fun.

In one such mini-game, players will use the motion sensors of the Wii remote to pen a half-assed news release about their mishap. They can also take on the role of Tiger’s insanely hot wife and smash out not one, but two windows of the SUV for no reason other than to rescue her husband leaving home in the middle of the night on Thanksgiving.

Obviously, the next challenge for EA will be releasing the game before the next overblown media sensation captivates the nation’s attention. EA says it is already halfway finished with the game, building on its cancelled Lindsay Lohan Kart Racing project.

Cleveland Browns Are “Saving It”

They’re not inept. They’re simply protecting their virginity.

Looking to turn a vomit-inducing mark against the team into a positive, momentary Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Brady Quinn announced today that he and his teammates are saving their ability to score a touchdown for “the one.” The vow is modeled after chaste teenagers, many of whom are actually virgins because no one would hazard intercourse with them.

For the Browns, not scoring is now a matter of moral integrity.

“We’re not going to go out there and score a touchdown just because it’s what the media and society tell us we need to do,” says Quinn. “We’re not going to get drunk and do something we regret the rest of our lives. No one’s going to pressure us into this. Not even the Buffalo Bills.”

It almost hurts as much as blue balls.

No Browns wide receiver has scored a touchdown since November 2, 2008. No Browns running back has visited the end zone since November 14, 2008. These are particularly important dates because it is now nearly 2010.

But Quinn and company say the time will come. Until then, the entire offensive squad is wearing promise rings as reminders to stay out of the end zone.

Browns head coach Eric Mangini has made it clear that scoring a field goal still qualifies his offensive starters as “technical virgins.”

Robin Williams Officially Retires from Making Worthwhile Movies

Ending more than a decade of speculation, actor and sometimes comedian Robin Williams has officially announced his retirement from making good movies.


This movie also sucked.
After a shaky start on the big screen with Popeye, Williams hit his stride with a string of hits including Good Morning Vietnam, Dead Poets Society, and Mrs. Doubtfire. But Williams has more recently attached his name almost exclusively to piles of cinematic feces.

Future Williams projects include titles such as RV 2, Spy Camels, The Postman Only Farts Twice, Professor Plimpton’s Fabulous Underwear Tightening Machine, and, since every single vintage TV show is already spoken for, a movie version of the Ron Popeil “Set It and Forget It” Rotisserie Cooker infomercial.

Williams’ announcement could be a game of one-upmanship with fellow talent burnout Eddie Murphy. Murphy was said to be planning his own retirement having starred in nothing but the assiest of movies since making Coming to America. Hollywood gossip has it that Jim Carrey and John Travolta are also in line for calling it quits, but Williams beat them all to the punch.

Consequently, Old Dogs, starring both Williams and Travolta as two men who discover the true meaning of family with the help of a dog, opens in theatres November 25th.

Local Cashier Unimpressed with UPS “Whiteboard Guy”

His real name is Andy Azula. Not that Kroger cashier Amy Spokane could give a fuck.


Behold, the bastard step-child of Bill Cosby's
Picture Pages.Azula, the shoulder-length haired man famous for his whiteboard drawing prowess, recently stopped at a Kroger in Norwood to pick up a tube of Chap Stick, some Triscuits, Fanta soda, and, for grins, a package of dry-erase markers.

And that’s exactly where the trouble began.

“First he made a big deal about asking me where he could find the school supplies aisle,” recalls Spokane. “Like I’m supposed to rip off my panties and throw them at him since he’s a big celebrity.”

“Then he waited to come through my lane. He could have gone to lane 12 with no waiting. But no. He waited for me. Then he held the markers up in front of his face and said, ‘So, I noticed you don’t have any brown dry-erase markers'.”

“Hilarious, douche nozzle.”

Things didn’t get any better when Spokane asked Azula to sign his credit card receipt. Spokane says instead of simply scribbling his name, the whiteboard impresario whipped out a marker and proceeded to draw a cartoon in place of his signature.

“He just babbled on about shipping something to China, then rerouting it to London, then rerouting it back to Mexico. He kept erasing everything and re-drawing it. And let me tell you, that guy’s index finger is royally stained with brown marker. It looks like he stores his finger inside Babar’s ass.”

Azula offered his autograph, but Spokane was unmoved.

“We have stars in here all the time. Carrot Top came in here last week. Everyone stayed away from him, too. He smelled like hot dog water.”

Hand Sanitizer Fails to Protect Man from Oncoming Bus

A horrifying bus collision has left a Fort Thomas man in critical condition, despite the fact that he had applied hand sanitizer just minutes before the accident.

Lewis McClain Jr. massaged a generous amount of hand sanitizer into his skin after spotting a public dispenser at a nearby grocery store. Witnesses say they noticed an immediate change in McClain’s demeanor, as if he believed the hand sanitizer would instantly protect him from swine flu, whooping cough, AIDS, kidnappings, regicide, and even Mormons.


Note to self: useless against busses.
Instead, McClain has devastating injuries after ignoring cross-walk signals and darting into the path of a regional transit bus. Doctors say the hand sanitizer had no apparent cushioning effect on the bus’ immense force.

Fellow hand sanitizer fanatic Sarah Peabody used the same dispenser only minutes after McClain.

“I’m stunned,” said Peabody. “That could just as easily have been me. Maybe he just didn’t use enough hand sanitizer. I’d better stock up.”

Another hand sanitizer recipient says the accident is a troubling sign of the times.

“You hear about things like that happening to drunks, bums, and Democrats,” added Whitney Kralj. “You never imagine it could happen to someone who uses hand sanitizer. I guess being 99.9% germ free just isn’t good enough anymore.”

McClain may never walk again, but his family hopes to prove that diagnosis wrong with a steady regimen of even more hand sanitizer along with Head-On, Airborne, Vitamin Water, and Activia yogurt.

Let’s Roll: Local Zombies Get Fleet of Segways

You may want to beat the rush and board up your windows in advance. Area zombies will have both speed and style on their side this Halloween when they take to the streets aboard brand new Segways.

Victims traditionally have the luxury of time when the undead rise from their graves in search of flesh parfait. Would-be targets can use their speed advantage to plan an escape route, or do the stupid thing and barricade themselves inside with strategically placed furniture and any 2’x4’s that happen to be lying about.

But that’s all about to change.

The local zombie guild will now travel from home to home much faster on a whisper-quiet magic carpet of largely impractical technology. The Segways are also a greener choice than the stretch Hummer limousine the zombies had considered.

“Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!” said zombie spokesman formerly known as Kent Withburn.

When asked about the cost and how the zombies came up with the money, let alone the idea, the ex-Mr. Withburn would only add, “Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnns!”

Local Segway salesman Roger McGillicuddy sealed the deal with the zombies.

“They crashed through my office door with blank looks on their faces and their mouths wide open. They smelled terrible. So naturally, I assumed they were mail carriers.”

Once he realized he was dealing with the living dead, ethics went out the window and capitalism took over.

“Sure, there’s a side of me that says maybe I shouldn’t sell Segways to zombies because it opens the door to the efficient mass-slaughter of my helpless town,” said McGillicuddy. “But I’ve only had three customers since I started doing this five years ago. I have mouths to feed. So do they.”

Investigation Finds Rampant Inaccuracies in Cafeteria’s “Haunted Lunch” Offerings

Scandal is hitting Cincinnati’s public schools after a state investigation found untruth after untruth printed on lunch calendars.

Bottom line: your child’s Halloween chicken patty sandwich may come from an unspeakably filthy food processing plant, but it’s not necessarily haunted.

The items promoted for Friday’s lunches across the tri-state comprise an all-star cast of pants-shittingly scary dishes. Students have been forewarned of “monster mashed potatoes,” “Count Draculasagna,” “headless horse-radish sauce,” “Salisbury Satan,” “the cauliflower of Cthulu,” and, perhaps least imaginatively, “boo peas.”


Above: A "Grim Reaper's Roast Beef Sandwich."
Tests concluded it's actually an ordinary roast
beef sandwich. Labwork on the "Underworld
Pickle Spear" proved inconclusive.
“All lies,” assures state food inspector Carl Finch. “We’re not sure what these cafeterias are trying to pull, but any time we get a tip about possible paranormal connections to our children’s lunches, we have to take action.”

Finch wouldn’t comment on who called in the tip, but his office also wasted precious laboratory resources last Valentine’s Day ruling out claims of aphrodisiac qualities in “Cupid’s Fruit Cup.” Weeks later, Finch had to check into possible good luck charms supposedly found in one school’s “Blarney Stew” and “Leprecharn dogs” for St. Patrick’s Day.

“Let me be clear,” says Finch. “Ghoulishly grilled cheese is simply grilled cheese. Terror tots are actually plain old tater tots. And poltergeist pizza is, frankly, neither haunted by poltergeists, nor even pizza by even the most lenient scientific standards.”

Still, Finch says there’s a hint of truth to some of the advertising.
“They’re not kidding when they say ‘mummified mac and cheese.’ I wouldn’t go near it.”

Missing Dog May Have Been Aboard Runaway Balloon

A suburban Denver family is asking investigators to retrace a runaway balloon’s flight path, couching hopes on the insanely remote chance their missing dog was on board.


Morris T. Snippins, seen here in happier times
after licking his own nether regions.“Morris T. Snippins” hasn’t been accounted for since Thursday, when the balloon vaguely reminiscent of a foil-wrapped Chipotle burrito captivated the nation. Although all laws of physics should have immediately ruled out the possibility of a small, helium-filled balloon lifting Falcon Heene to incredible heights, his owners believe the much smaller but no less absurdly named "Morris T. Snippins" may have been the balloon’s unwitting passenger.


While otherwise useless, this balloon may have
been the utlimate chariot of Morris T. Snippins'
harrowing voyage beyond the River Styx.
“We can’t find him anywhere,” said Cheryl Reese, clutching a portrait of her missing dog ironically dressed in a leather aviator jacket with goggles. “My only explanation is he somehow climbed aboard the balloon, which somehow took flight and somehow didn’t sink under his weight.”

Reese says she has already ruled out runaway circus trains, wayward paddleboats, de-orbiting satellites and out-of-control monorails for her dog’s disappearance. She has also used her better judgment to dismiss the notion of little Morris T. Snippins vanishing after inadvertently clinging to the back of an escaped panda from the local zoo.

“He just had to be on that balloon. I’m sure of it.”

At press time, Nancy Grace, Greta Van Susteren, and Geraldo Rivera were all preparing to go live from Reese’s home for wall-to-wall “balloon dog” coverage. Police say they will investigate Reese’s theory as soon as they are finished answering questions about Falcon Heene, which should happen sometime around Easter of 2011.

Couple Reaches for New Heights of A-Holery This Halloween

He is an experienced dentist. She is a fire branding Evangelical.

Together, Paul and Mary Schuleman have royally fucked up many a Halloween. And they’re far from finished.


Assholes.“We’re simply trying to open people’s eyes to the fact that Halloween is Satan’s ploy to turn children to witchcraft before harvesting their souls,” says Mary.

“If we can help with tartar control, that’s just icing on the cake,” adds Paul. “Although I don’t eat cake. Or icing.”

For years, unsuspecting children have visited the Schulemans’ door holding their bags aloft for the thrill of discovering the latest reinvention of refined sugar. It’s not until they return home and sort their hauls that young candy seekers, and their equally candy seeking parents, realize some jackass has handed out dental floss and gospel tracts instead.

“It’s worse than handing out pennies,” says veteran Trick-or-Treater Billy Mercer. “Or raisins. Raisins are not candy. Pennies are not candy. Serously. Who DOES that?”

But Mary Schuleman isn’t in it for popularity.

“A lot of people think we should just leave our porch light off and keep our opinions to ourselves on Halloween. Those people don’t realize that wearing a Pokemon costume lasts just one night a year, but feeling the Dark Prince’s relentless fires of Hell lapping at your damned soul lasts an eternity. “

This year, the Schulemans hope to ramp up their ass-clowning with a “costume buyback” program. Modeled after law enforcement gun buybacks, the Schuleman’s will offer a free DVD of the wildly unpopular Left Behind movie to any child willing to surrender their costume.

And to drive the point home about eating too much candy?

“We’re going to hand out Necco wafers, too.”

Further reading:  Click here to learn how visiting a haunted house will end with your death and a trip to the Lake of Fire.

Monster Madness: Monsters Fume Over Claimed Media Bias

With Halloween right around the corner, a delegation of monsters held a news conference today demanding a fair shake from the media.

“Enough is enough,” said Frankenstein’s monster, who is serving as their spokesman.

“All we want is an even playing field. Santa Claus breaks into every house in the world once a year. The Easter Bunny is responsible for rampant tooth decay and child obesity. No one gets bent out of shape about them.”

“And yes, I can speak. I don’t just groan like a blathering green idiot.”

From perceived inaccuracies to claims of all out slander, the monsters say their reputations are ruined. The Creature from the Black Lagoon couldn’t contain his emotions as Frankenstein’s monster read a prepared statement.


Behind his murderous stare lies an inescapable
prison cell of the mind.
"Look, I’ve made mistakes in the past,” interrupted Mr. Lagoon. “I’m not perfect. But when I hear news anchors use the word ‘monster’ to describe terrorists, psychopaths, and rapists, that’s just not fair.”

The timing of the monster delegation’s news conference is no coincidence. The month of October is bustling with haunted houses, haunted trails, haunted hayrides, and other activities which may or may not be haunted. The monsters say they used to look forward all year to the Halloween limelight, but not anymore.


Leatherface, calm voice of
reason.“It gets old seeing the same mistakes every year,” added Leatherface. “I checked out a so-called ‘haunted cavern’ last year and found their imitation of me wielding a Ryobi brand chainsaw. Chop people up, make masks out of their skin and cook their bodies in chili? Yes. Put hard-working Americans out of work by using a Japanese brand chainsaw? Not in a million years.”

Frankenstein’s monster says his group members aren't hiding from what they are, but simply trying to set the record straight.

“We’re monsters. This is what we do. But we’re not to blame for all of the world’s ills. We’re not friggin’ lawyers, people.”

Eat At Joe's. If You Dare.

Coming soon to a menu near you:  “Our burritos are 97% pube free.”

Not content with forcing restaurants to print basic nutritional information like calorie counts on menus, a consumer watchdog group is now pushing for disturbing honesty the next time you have a meal.

“This isn’t about scaring people away,” says Otto Grisby, founder of Research to Protect the Public from Certain Doom.  “This is about scaring people, and then building a tolerance in them with so much scariness so that they’re not scared.   It worked with SARS, you know.”

Hal's Famous Chicken Strips. Breaded
and Fried to Perfection Before Being Dropped
on the Floor.

Among the ideas on the table:  eateries would have to print “this is how we get you” in huge letters next to drinks and desserts.   Charming stories profiling an establishment’s founder and their undying commitment to homemade taste would have to include the number of times the fry cook scratches his ass before putting food on your plate.

Also proposed is a plan to replace the phrase “no substitutions” with “Order what you want.  We’re going to spit in it either way.”

Restaurateurs are worried about how the changes could affect their bottom lines, not to mention how they’ll need dramatically larger menus to fit all the extra words.  In the case of the Cheesecake Factory, the menu could grow to the size of a desk set of reference books.

Grisby says it’s a small price to pay for a well-informed dining public.

“We’re just getting started.  We haven’t even tackled secret sauce, yet.”

Man Would “Totally Do” New Neighbor

Rick Schneider has made his intentions perfectly clear. If given the opportunity, the Hamilton man would “totally do” his new neighbor.

Schneider describes the woman, a 34-year old mother of two, as “a grade-A MILF with an ass like a stack of cinnamon waffles.” Schneider offered the unusual comparison in front of a drunken gathering of friends after a competitive round of flatulent brinkmanship.  He went on to describe in lurid detail his ideas of a "welcome wagon" gift for the woman, all of which involved coitus and many of which involved midgets in clown costumes.

It is not the first time Schneider has hypothesized familiar relations with an otherwise disinterested woman who has never spoken to him. Schneider is known for frequently conducting informal inter-office polls to determine which coworker is “the hottest” or “the least hot.” Although he has not formally organized his data, the poll answers have remained unchanged in the 40 times he has posed the question since last month.

A friend of Schneider’s quickly echoed his carnal intentions with the woman. However, the gathering tabled a vote on the woman’s “fuckability” in favor of discussing the latest in mixed martial arts pay-per-view entertainment.

The issue may come up again next week when Schneider once again attempts to rank the “top five women who are so fucking hot but don’t act all stuck up about it.”

Iran Threatens to Unfriend President Obama

Tensions over Iran’s nuclear ambitions broiled to new levels Wednesday as Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threatened to “unfriend” President Barack Obama on Facebook.



Machmoud Ahmadinejad, in a photo from
his Facebook gallery entitled "Cool Places
I've Been Wearing This Stupid Jacket"
The move could undo much of the progress the Obama administration has made with Iran in recent months. The two sides recently met in Switzerland for face to face talks, and both Mr. Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have forged powerful alliances with Ahmadinejad on such Facebook diversions as Farmville and Mafia Wars. Nuclear cessation talks appeared to be headed for a breakthrough when the President responded to a “super poke” by Ahmadinejad with a “Chug It” request. In fact, Mr. Obama drew criticism from hardline Israeli conservatives upon completing the Iranian president’s Likeness quiz in April.

It’s not clear what may have soured their Facebook relationship, but it would be the latest in a series of twists in a tempestuous game of social media diplomacy.

The international community famously chastised President Bush for his refusal to add Ahmadinejad as a friend despite repeated requests. President Obama won praise from France when he reversed this course, but drew fire from Russia after ignoring Ahmadinejad’s pleas to be among his “Top Friends.”

The White House refused comment on this story, posting only “TTYL” on its Twitter page. Ahmadinejad has coyly updated his status as “might be making intercontinental nuclear missiles, might not be.”

And So It Begins

Blogging is like teen sex.

Everyone wants to do it. Everyone wants their friends to know they're doing it. Everyone thinks they're really good at it. Afterward, they're surprised it didn't turn out better.

A few months ago, my wife let me know about a Cincinnati-based satire news website (picture "The Onion", but smothered with a blanket of water-thin chili). I thought, "I'm funny. I'm in Cincinnati." So I whipped up some samples and sent them off.

Apparently the publisher thinks I'm neither funny nor in Cincinnati. He never wrote me back after telling me he desperately needed writers.

It bummed me out. So I joined the awkward teen sex crowd of bloggers who have delusions of widespread acclaim but no idea what they're doing. At least it doesn't cost us anything.

I hope you enjoy it. If you do, please pass it on.

--Ed