U.N. Blasts Heidi Montag Album as “Crime Against Humanity”

"This is how many major cities I will destroy
with my doomsday device of an album!"

The United Nations is taking bold steps against Heidi Montag, charging the uber-ditz star of The Hills with crimes against humanity.

The charges stem from Montag’s sensationally awful debut album Superficial. Indeed, Montag left scores of people jamming pencils into their ears and poking out their own eyes when she appeared as a “musical” guest on the Miss Universe pageant last August. Montag has now proceeded to unleash 12 more songs onto the world, apparently because there were no kittens available for her to drown to prove her cold-blooded mercilessness. If there is any bright spot, it's that Montag's album has had miserable sales even though she touted it as equal to Michael Jackson's Thriller.

“This Heidi Montag must answer for her misdeeds,” declared U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. “These songs are clearly the work of a madman. I know that she is supposed to be a woman, but with so much plastic surgery, we can’t even be sure of that anymore.”

Among the highlights of Montag’s musical efforts, the lead single features the rapping talents of her husband and fellow super-villain Spencer Pratt.

“Honestly, the rapping is bad enough,” says Secretary-General Ban. “But the album contains unhealthy levels of auto-tune, repetitive and unoriginal dance beats, and lobotomizing faux streetwise lyrics.”

“It’s probably the musical equivalent of Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge. Heidi Montag must answer for this before the International Court of Justice at The Hague.”

Montag was asked for comment, but her publicist cut her off when she began talking about The Hague under the mistaken belief that it’s an exclusive place to shop for purses.

Airlines Raise Fees to Cover Cost of Losing Your Bags

The trend started with Delta and Continental, and now other airlines are following suit: upping baggage fees to cover the rising cost of misplacing and manhandling your belongings.

“It’s a simple matter of supply and demand,” says Delta spokesman Skip Fryer. “If people continue to rely on us to rip their luggage to shreds and reroute it to the far corners of the earth, then they’re going to have to pay for that kind of luxury.”
 

Someone has to pay for this unholy mess. Oh, it's YOU!Most airlines began exploiting baggage fees years ago to help break even. What followed was a wave of other money-making ventures, from charging for pillows and soda to East German-style restrictions on using frequent flier miles. United Airlines is rumored to be exploring even more options, including a surcharge for not having to endure the buttocks of fellow passengers pressing against your face as they brush past you to reach their seats.

For its part, Delta says it’s not looking to ding passengers for more cash, but merely keep up with its own costs.

“We literally have a team of thousands of baggage handlers dedicated to making sure your luggage ends up on the wrong flight, and even sometimes the wrong airline,” says Fryer.

“We have to pay those salaries. We have to buy that gas for the luggage carts so that we can drive your bags to the other end of the airport and throw them on, say, a flight to Abu Dhabi. Passengers demand that service. And if we’re not dedicated to customer service, why are we in business?”

Fox News Anchor to bin Laden: Follow Tiger to Jesus

Fox News Anchor Brit Hume is urging another scandal-plagued public figure to “turn to the Christian faith;” none other than Osama bin Laden.

 

Fox News Anchor Brit Hume.Appearing this evening on the Fox News Channel, Hume boldly predicted that the world’s most wanted terrorist could find forgiveness, “make a total recovery and be a great example to the world” by converting to Christianity.

 

“The Osama bin Laden that emerges, once the news value of masterminding 9/11 dies down, seems to me depends on his faith,” opined Hume.  “He’s said to be a Muslim.  I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith.”

 

Hume had hoped to continue on his tangent, but was interrupted by a Fox Breaking News Alert about a Kalispell, Montana dog that received a jury summons.

 

The seemingly out-of-place remark comes only days after Hume famously urged Tiger Woods to convert from Buddhism as a way of emerging from the shame of banging a 49-year old woman and pancake house waitress, among many others. 

 

Hume apparently believes Woods would find comfort and fellowship amongst other faith-based adulterers including Bob Allen, Mark Sanford, David Vitter, Ted Haggard, Bob Livingston, Jim Bakker, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and the Reverend Jesse Jackson.

Winter Vacation

Thanks for stopping by! Now that I'm back in my home state, I'm going to spend the holidays bothering the Hell out of my family instead of writing blog posts. We'll be back up to full speed the first week of the new year. In the meantime, why don't you check out thecincinnatiman.com where I've started writing? Here's my first post. See you in 2010! -Ed

Doctors Warn of Wassailing Dangers

Dare to spend this night wassailing? It may very well be your last, say experts.


These people are as good as dead.
Merry Christmas!A new study links the time-honored practice of visiting homes and serenading its occupants with Christmas carols to an extraordinarily high risk of sudden death.

“We’re not exactly sure how to explain this,” admits study author Dr. Frank Blufftomay. “We don’t see the same link with run-of-the mill carolers; only those who go a-wassailing.”

Dr. Blufftomay speculates a diet rich in figgy pudding, common amongst wassailers who demand the treat in song, could be the source of blame. He says he’ll need more tests to rule out other possible causes including prolonged exposure to the holly and the ivy when they are both full grown and increasingly prevalent Yule log allergies.

“If we can zero in on the cause, it could be the biggest medical breakthrough since we broke the genetic code for lords a-leaping.”

Boy Gets Rejection Letter from Santa Claus

Kenny Peppers carefully laid out his objective and his background. He listed outstanding references. He checked and rechecked his spelling. He tweaked the formatting and used fancy paper.

And like so many job seekers, the 8-year-old Kenwood boy got a soulless rejection letter. From the North Pole. In regards to his letter to Santa.

“It’s such a crock,” says Peppers. “I was perfect for those toys. I don’t think Santa even read my letter.”

Santa’s response to Peppers doesn’t even mention the boy’s name and instead opens by addressing him as “Dear toy seeker.”

It continues with: “though your qualifications and wish list are impressive, we were fortunate to have interest from many outstanding candidates who we believe are better suited for the position of receiving toys this year. We will keep your letter to Santa on file in the event a position that fits your skill set should become available. We wish you the best with your future toy requesting endeavors.“

It’s the second major economic wakeup call for Peppers this year. After failing to persuade his lemonade stand co-workers to take furloughs, he was turned down for government bailout money under the TARP program. Just like that, the lemonade stand he once claimed was “too big to fail” had to shut down.

Peppers isn’t sure about his next steps with the holidays coming fast.

“Going back to school isn’t really an option. I’m eight. Maybe I’ll try Judaism. They could probably use the membership boost.”

Heat Miser Calls Climate Change Theories "Bullshit"

You can add  Heat Miser to the list of climate change theory critics. In fact, not doing so could result in the stop-motion incineration of your vital organs.

“Look--I’m Mr. Heat Miser. I’m Mr. Sun. I’m Mr. Green Christmas. I’m Mr. one-hundred-and-one. Not this global warming horseshit.”


Heat Miser. But you can call him "One BAMF."Heat Miser says he’s fed up with the way scientists attribute melting glaciers and snow caps to the greenhouse effect. He says it’s time to give credit where credit is due, although he uses less diplomatic language.

“You can take your carbon dioxide and shove it down your throat. Then when you shit, you’ll be shitting carbon dioxide. Then you can eat that shit and the cycle begins anew. Fucking carbon dioxide, my ass,” adds Mr. Miser.

Heat Miser’s outburst could give the faction of climate change skeptics the celebrity face it so desperately needs. Former Vice President Al Gore won a Nobel Prize and renewed fame for his efforts to raise awareness of global warming. Heat Miser is confident he can top Gore’s success.

“Have you ever seen Al Gore lead a ragtime romp inside a volcano? I didn’t think so. The guy’s a pussy.”